Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
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I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
❤️🦆
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.