Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
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Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I think we should hear other voices.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.