With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
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3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*