Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
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Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
lmfao come on
Oops I deleted….
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
the council will decide your fate
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
pep talk
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’