my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
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If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.