my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
You Might Also Like
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2