After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
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Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Smile they said.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Ok but actually
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.