inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
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Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Found the job I’m suited for
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.