[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
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When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.