Sounds about right! 馃挴
馃寪
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I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I鈥檓 going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I鈥檓 from the government and my name is Dracula
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that鈥檚 just great
VILLAIN: You can run but you can鈥檛 hide.
ME: I can鈥檛 run either.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
These aliens are taking forever.
A lot of your 30鈥檚 involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I鈥檓 doing the lords work (judging)
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.