Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
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When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Sending in my taxes
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor