[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
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Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
how to market bottled water to dads
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written