surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
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There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
March 16
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach