My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
You Might Also Like
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Can. I. Help. You.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I can’t be the only one 😂
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this