me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
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I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
when someone compliments me
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho