Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
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Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
so weird how every mom was born today
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Canadian owl: Eh?
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.