my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
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We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.