Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
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I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.