when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
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Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.