WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
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My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over