A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
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Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Um … Hot Wings please
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.