[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
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If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Terribly Tuesday.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups