Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
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coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.