In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
You Might Also Like
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.