Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
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If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.