Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
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Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.