Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
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My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
2 years later
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
me after drinking all the wine:
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”