Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
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Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
What
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Netflix and awkward silence?
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…