If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
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People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.