Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
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Oops
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
when the buffet is more honest than your date
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated