“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
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I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
New favorite tiktok
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
new record!
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.