I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
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Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
FINE, I WON’T.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I did not eat the cake…
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May