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Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?