what do you want!!!!!!!!
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Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
ugh not again
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.