We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
You Might Also Like
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Cannot stop laughing at this
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I need a headline like this
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.