[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
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In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Good Morning.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.