What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
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Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.