My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
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ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
2022 be like
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now