A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
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I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Yup.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification