Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
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they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Sponch
*sewing*
A thread
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.