Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
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“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
this is me
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.