“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
You Might Also Like
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER