What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
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Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
My purse is deeper than some people.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”