Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
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My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.