an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
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FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Ion see the issue
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*