Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
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God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it