My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
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maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.