I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
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my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.