[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
You Might Also Like
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
*loses you in a crowd*
finally