If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
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Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”